May 18, 2007

After running to the little Mom and Pop store at the mouth of our holler I returned home to find a bit of chaos.. I know.. big surprise! Bill was outside pacing in his hunchback way and the kids were weed eating the yard casting fearful glances at the house. I walked into the house, set the bag down and asked Mom what in the world was going on. I had that keen sense that I had missed something. Mom told me that Bill had to go outside to cool off and she had sent Laura outside to get her away from Bill. I can hear Bill pacing and mumbling something about ‘fucking kids’ and ‘destructive asses’. My curiosity peaked, I look to Mom with an eyebrow cocked, wary of what I was going to find out had flooded or fallen in my very brief absence. She says, ‘well, you remember when you left that Laura was a bit upset about not being allowed to do Volleyball this summer?’ I nodded ‘yeah, I know she was pissed at me’ Mom looks nervously at the door ‘Well, I told her to come in here and do up these couple of dishes and she was still a bit ummmm frustrated and apparently she twisted the faucet thingy instead of pulling it out to spray the sink out and it kind of… well, broke off. It spewed a bit and Bill got it back on there, but you’ll have to get another faucet soon before it shoots across the room.’ Then she makes a mad dash for the door. I wander over to the sink, wondering exactly how many priests I killed off in a past life and looked at the faucet. No saving it. Now, if you have ever been to Lowes looking for faucets you know that the prices range from ‘Kidney’ to ‘Left nut’ and on up to ‘left nut of newborn child with kidney thrown in’. Well this faucet is one like this: http://www.lowes.com/lowes/lkn?action=productDetail&productId=127315-72981-16927-SSSD&lpage=none and to replace it is going to cost $208! I know this because I just bought the sonofawhorebrokenpieceofshit just a year and a half ago. As Mom peeks around the corner waiting for the hailstorm to start I calmly walk over to the kitchen door, wait for my darling daughter to turn the weed eater off and scream out the screen, ‘You’re going to pay for that faucet if you have to cut the entire hillside with a pair of damned scissors!’ and slam the door.

These destructive kids are going to go live in the damned shed if they don’t watch it. And she wonders why I wont spend every day this summer… EVERY DAY… driving her to Volleyball practice an hour each way and practice lasts two hours. I informed her that I am not spending the entire summer driving and spending $3fucking22 a gallon for gas for her to do a sport. I told her that she can do sports through the school year but not in the summer.
Laura: well, Mom if I am going to play Volleyball this is what it takes ( said with hand on hips, eye roll and that haughty voice. )
Me: I DON’T CARE WHAT IT TAKES.. YOUR NOT PLAYING, FORGET THAT SHIT!
Laura: What if….
Me: NO
Laura: but if I
Me: NO
Laura: Maybe I could
Me: I said NO, now shut up about it. The answer is no, it will be no in five minutes, five hours and five days, the only thing you are going to change is my mind about whether or not you are grounded for your attitude. Quite while you are ahead sweetheart.
Laura: Can I run to get Dads stuff with you
Me: NO
I think that’s why she broke the faucet… because I learned how to say NO. Asshat!
Now I have to think of inventive ways to torture $208 worth of faucet out of that child.

This week has been a crazy insane, bullshit week. First the faucet, then about an hour later, the Check Engine light popped on in my Rodeo. Then, just for icing on the FuckYouCake, the washing machine gave up the Ghost and died completely. Now, as soon as the washing machine goes caput, the wet sock that is still floating in there puts out a smoke signal message to the other socks who in turn put out a cell phone call to the jeans, who in turn put out a flyer to the towels and so on. The next thing you know the laundry is marching down the hallway in a flurry of whites, darks and lights. The towels were playing the trumpet and the washcloths had little tambourines. The noise was deafening and I knew if I did not do something quick, this could get really… reallllly ugly. So, I grabbed the phone and tracked down a replacement washer for $125. Problem solved. We jerked the old one out, ran out and picked up the new/replacement washer and got it set up. I turned to start grabbing the first load I could out of the parade of clothing that was just threatening to repopulate until the socks were strong enough to carry off the dog, and they disappeared in a cloud of Febreze Tide smelling smoke. Close call people, close call. Now, I find it hilarious that the damned faucet costs more than the washing machine. Insane!
Laura’s prom went really well. She looked so pretty and the dress was divine. She had a blast and she won prom queen. I told her that she had officially become one of those girls that I hated while I was sitting in the corner at a dance with my hair pulled back in a barrett eating cheetos watching the cool kids dance. LOL Nah, high school wasn’t that bad for me, but I was no Prom Queen. I will post photo’s as soon as my dumbass menopausal brain remembers to bring the camera in from the car and then find the stupid cord.

The house is coming along. The roof is on, and it is pretty. I decided to try to help put shingles on one day and let me tell you… I am allllll TALK. I put on my tennis shoes and run over there, hop on the walkway thingy and run over to the roof. I am doing ok at this point and think I am all about looking/acting cool. I hop up there and walk very calmly all the way to the top of the roof. Just as the words “Hey Jay, what can I do to help you” are coming out of my mouth, I look down. And froze. He is telling me to grab the nail gun and start nailing this thing down and I can’t even speak. The blood in my veins is shooting cold icy glaciers of fear into my heart and I just can’t move. I have one foot firmly planted on one side of the roof and one foot firmly planted on the other, straddling the roof with my arms spread out and my face frozen in fear. Jay looked up to see why I wasn’t moving and started laughing his ass off. He put down the nail gun, walked over to my like a freaking bird and took my hand. He led me off that roof like a six month old baby trying to learn to crawl. I was apologizing the whole way down. Sorry for being chicken, sorry I couldn’t help, sorry he had to help me, sorry that I was just a freak. I could still hear him laughing as I walked back to the house with my legs trembling so badly that I thought they were molded out of jello. I think that I will pass on roofing as a new career choice.